Humor, Topics

R A I N

Today it’s raining.
Today’s rain is very cold.
Rain brings life.
Rain brings change.
Rain brings rest.
Rain brings thought.
Deep thought.
Thoughts that reflect.
Like a mirror.
Rain is like a mirror.
Mirrors are weird.
Have you ever thought that if the reflection in the mirror moved away first, you would disappear?
Disappearing would be neat.
Neat and tidy.
Not taking up space or matter.
Just like my room.
Neat and tidy and clean.
Cleaning is a strange thing.
It’s almost cathartic for some people.
People obsess.
Obsessions lead to addictions.
My Strange Addiction is a strange show.
What if there was a show about someone whose strange addiction was watching My Strange Addiction?
It’d be a show about someone obsessing about watching the show about obsessions.
How upsetting.
Upset people are sad.
I don’t like it when people are sad.
Sadness can be easily fixed by food though.
Food.
I’m hungry.
Maybe I should get some Chick-Fil-A.
It’s too far to drive though.
Driving is neat.
But driving today isn’t neat.
There’s lots of traffic because of the weather.
And the weather is wet.
Wet because of the rain.
Rain kinda sucks.
I’m gonna go sit in my bed and watch Netflix now.
Thanks, rain.

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Humor, Topics

Furby: Trained Killing Machine

Ever felt like you were being watched? Of course you have. Ever noticed that the thing watching you was a Furby? I have. For those of you that don’t know, Furbys are eight inches of demon troll. They have huge glowing eyes, no arms, and bat-like ears. Strangely though, people like to have these strange creatures as pets. Little do they know that Furbys are trained killers who seek out the weak during the Christmas season. Why are so many people drawn to them? How can people see cuteness in these, these murderous eyes??? I could only come up with one logical answer to this confounding problem: delusion. Have people seen the things? Furbys legitimately look like devil hamster owl trolls.


See what I mean? The only logical explanation for liking a Furby is delusional thinking. People are either crazy, or… no. They’re just crazy. So what can you do to prevent yourself from the madness of a Furby? Thankfully, I’ve provided a guide of what you can do to combat their death and destruction.

How to Combat a Furby
1. Never make eye contact
This step might seem easy, but trust me, if you look at a Furby too long when its eyes are glowing, you are dead meat. The best thing to do is not look directly at them. Ever.

2. If you’re alone in a room with a Furby, run
Seriously, do whatever it takes to get out of that room. You’re better off breaking a leg jumping out a window than getting melted by the Furbys evil glare.

3. Burn them with fire
Self-explanatory step. It’s always helpful to carry a blow-torch

4. Carry a shotgun with you
Also self-explanatory. You never know when you’ll experience a Furby in the wild.

5. Don’t let your friends buy one.
The easiest way a Furby can find you is through your friends. Don’t become a victim

6. Lure them into captivity with a trap
This is a  little tricky. You have to bait the trap with a live crow, as that is the only food worthy for a Furby to spend enough time on besides human flesh. If however, the Furby does not show interest in the crow  you have failed and it’s already too late.

7. Move to Iceland
It’s a safe bet that Furbys can’t survive in cold. Or can they……

8. Always plan eight steps ahead for your next move
Those Furbys are fast. Don’t be caught doddling or you’ll be caught dead.

9. Eat only sushi
Fish are Furbys kryptonite, so it’s important to have your breath smell like fish as much of the time as possible to ward off impending doom. Sushi doesn’t count. The smell get’s too diluted in the rice.

10. Don’t sleep. Ever.
If you must sleep, do it in pairs (with someone you trust) and take turns. An eye must be kept at watch to make sure there aren’t any sneak attacks by the devil trolls.

11. DON’T visit a Furbys’ natural habitat
I know it’s time to shop for presents, but Furbys lurk in stores such as WalMart, Target, and Toys R Us. Keep away from those stores at all costs.

12. Be wary of species
There are 3 different type of Furby to worry about nowadays. There’s the classic, the 2012 model, and the Furby Boom. The classic and 2012 Furbys are a little older, but don’t let age fool you; they’re still dangerous. The Boom however now has the capability to go to the bathroom, shower, and lay eggs. Again, don’t let the cuteness fool you!!! It’s all a ploy to gain your trust and by then, it’s too late for you. Death is imminent.

And that’s it! Hopefully you will last in the upcoming Furbpocalypse of 2013. I’ve done all I can to prepare you. Be safe and survive!

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Humor, Topics

Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer: World’s Worst Christmas Special

I can already hear you yelling. It’s not your fault; you grew up singing the song, loving the character, and making little drawings of a reindeer with a shiny red nose all through childhood. But upon closer inspection, the children’s movie of Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer is probably the worst Christmas special out there. “But Scott,” you scream, “It’s a cute story about underdogs and how they got a big break in the end!” True, that does happen, but the entire 55-minute story is a joke when looked at closely. In actuality, the first 48 minutes of the special is about how Rudolph doesn’t fit in. Only in the last 7 minutes does everything go well for the underdogs. But I can break this down even further for you. Let’s go.

Reasons against Rudolph: The Worst Christmas Special

1. Abuse, Abuse, Abuse
Now look, I understand that this is a kids special, but when you think about the central message of the story, does it really make sense? At the beginning of the movie Rudolph is introduced into the world as a very cute reindeer, and immediately is met with harsh words form his father and Santa Clause (who supposedly is the jolliest man on the planet).
Then, in an attempt to ensure Rudolph’s chances of getting on the sleigh team, his own father puts mud over his nose to try and make Rudolph seem normal!
So what we’re looking at here is a classic case of rejection from parents. Rudolph is born with a defect, and to make him fit in, his parents decide to hide it as best they can. But we all know the story; the mud eventually falls off of Rudolph’s nose, he gets made fun of by all the small reindeer, and eventually he decides to leave the North Pole because of all the bullying.
All this to say; why is Santa being so picky about his reindeer? Since when was Santa an expert on good reindeer looks? As I recall, Santa was once friends with a penguin and winter warlock before he got famous, so he shouldn’t be so picky about what his reindeer look like.

Buncha wierdos

Buncha weirdos

And then Donner, Rudolph’s own dad, is shamed by Santa for having a kid with a red nose!!! As a father, Donner is more concerned about his own name and reputation than his sons well being. It shouldn’t matter to him whether or not Rudolph is different, he’s Donner’s son, but reputation is all that matters in the North Pole. The point I’m trying to get at here is that we shouldn’t look down on differences. The whole movie circles around the morals by letting the characters sing away their problems and meeting up with more and more outsiders as the tale progresses. Not until the very end, when a freak snowstorm hits, does Santa finally concede and ask for Rudolph’s help. There’s really no apologizing, no reconciliation, just, “Okay now we need you when we need you, hope that’s alright! You’re still kind of strange with that nose though!” It leaves me unsatisfied how quickly the problem got shoved under the rug once Santa saw convenience in Rudolph’s difference.

2. Yukon Cornelius
Okay so this guy is clearly on drugs. If you watch the show, Yukon is a crazy prospector going around with his pack of sled dogs looking for silver and gold. Several times throughout the special Yukon is shown throwing up his pick-axe and licking it. Why? He says he can taste the silver and gold himself. I think though, that he’s licked that axe a little too much (sound like Miley, anyone?) and it’s gone to his head. Yukon just seems like he’s under the influence of something. You be the judge.


And then, if what you just watched wasn’t enough craziness, Yukon decides that getting rid of the Abominable Snowmonster’s teeth isn’t enough for him; he instead chooses to chase the Snowmonster off of a cliff. CAUSE THAT’S NORMAL.

It’s nice that the writers of this special gave kids not only a reindeer with image problems to cheer for, but also a crazed mountain man that licks a pick-axe for a living.

3. The Ending
I’ve mentioned this before; the ending of this special leaves me very unsatisfied. Why? Let me tell you. As a child, you naturally cheer for Rudolph, the misfit toys, and Hermey the Dentist Elf’s success. What kids don’t realize though, is that they all got their spotlight very quickly. The entire special follows the struggles of the misfit characters, and how they don’t fit in anywhere. Heck, they even struggle to survive the Abominable Snowmonster’s attacks every five minutes. But when they do get their spot in the limelight, it’s only because they’re needed as a last resort. Hermey only got his dentist office because he tagged along with Rudolph and the head elf felt bad. Rudolph only got his chance because a freak snowstorm hit the North Pole. Even then, no one really apologized or made an effort to further show remorse for pushing the misfits away from home in the first place. Very poor storytelling.

So in conclusion, please guard what you show your family this holiday season. Christmas specials are jam packed kid friendly “feel good” stories that lack backbone and true meaning. Rudolph is one of the more confusing, and definitely the worst special that you can watch. So instead of a reindeer, show your kids something wholesome this Christmas, like It’s a Wonderful Lifeor Elf. Those movies show family and the importance of togetherness. Happy Holidays!

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Lists, Topics

The One About Lists

So I’ve noticed a shift in pop-culture recently. What is the shift you ask? Well, it seems to me that we as young consumers are receiving all of our information by way of lists. Lists are the forefront of facebook, twitter, and all social media with sites like Buzzfeed taking over what we read and talking about what goes in the world. So why are lists so powerful? Why do we pay attention to lists so much more than regular, informative essays? Here’s a list to explain:

The List to explain Lists: AKA Why are Lists so Popular?

1. Convenient format

2. Easy to move from main point to main point

3. You can sometimes say something ridiculous like #TWERKFORYOURTURKEY and get away with it

4. GIFS ON GIFS ON GIFS

5. They’re good for short attention spans

6. They can LITERALLY talk about any subject, and make the reader agree with it

EXAMPLE: Top 5 reasons why your pet rock is cooler than you

1. It doesn’t have to go to school, therefore, no homework

2. Doesn’t worry about money

3. Needs no food

4. It doesn’t need cleaning

5. Can sit and do nothing all the time

7. People connect to topics like 20 Reasons why we’re all stuck in the 90’s

8. Face it, you weren’t doing your homework anyway

9. The more things listed, the more intrigued you are about the end

10. I forgot where I was going with this post

And there you have it! That’s why lists are so important and are taking over the world! Check out this blog next week for the Top 10 secrets that only Dogs know!

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Dating, Topics

Finding “The One”

One day you’ll find “the one.” I promise you will. It’s a lot of waiting, trust me, I would know. But hey, maybe you have found “the one” already, and you’re enjoying the time you two share together. But enjoy it fast, and enjoy it well. Because once you have found “the one,” life will never be the same. And when I say life will never be the same, I mean, IT (life) WILL BE AWESOME. I thought I’d found “the one” for me a few times, but only recently have I found my true “one” for me. So how can you find “the one?” Here’s my three-step plan that’s totally guaranteed to work.

Step 1: Identify your beliefs/ideals & life goals

This is probably the most important step in the plan to find “the one” for you. Before you do anything, make sure you have your ideals straight. How do you expect to make a decision about “the right one” for you, if you don’t know what you believe in? Make sure you know what you want to accomplish in life too. Many of us go about looking for “the one” and have no idea what we want to do with our careers once we find “the one.” It’s important that we as the pursuers in this scenario know how we feel going into the next stage in life, and one way of doing that with stability is by having your life goals figured out. It’s very simple to do also; just make a list, go back to add details of what each item’s importance means, and then rank them in terms of achievement/easiness/success rate/etc. whatever works for you. Once that’s all done, make sure you know who you are as a person. One reason why people struggle in finding “the one” for them early in life is because they’re still growing as a person. When someone hits college/early adulthood, they pretty much know the personality they’ve developed for themselves, the ideals and beliefs they’ve created, and how that will shape the way they look for “the one.” Finally, you must be able to communicate those ideals and life goals to anyone you talk to. When looking for “the one,” it’s super important to express your ideals and beliefs with coherency, so it’s understood what you’re looking for.

Step 2: Don’t back down

When you think you’ve found “the one” for you, don’t doubt it. Well, maybe at first. But you should know within some short (or long depending on your personality) amount of time if you’ve found “the one” for you. The problem with the human mind is that we’re programmed to look for the worst possible scenario. Culture has developed a strategy to lower our expectations, and when trying to make an important decision that will impact our future lives, we can’t rely on what someone or something else has to say about what WE want. It’s our decision and our life that the decision impacts, so stick with it. Don’t doubt yourself. Just because something you might choose doesn’t feel right doesn’t mean the alternative is better. That’s why you need to make sure your ideals are straightened out. There’s a method to the madness. So when you think you’ve found “the one” for you, don’t question your judgement; stick with your gut. It’s much easier to second guess your way out of happiness, so try NOT to do that. Just follow your heart. You’ve probably made the right decision to make your life better.

Step 3: Have fun!

Seriously, there’s no fun in pursuing “the one” if you can’t have fun doing it! Just don’t get nervous and tense when pondering huge decisions. There’s nothing wrong with looking for “the one” at multiple times during your life, it’s what we’re supposed to do. So why not enjoy it while it lasts? You’re only gonna be pursuing “the one” once, and once you’ve found “the one” for you, another adventure begins. So make sure you don’t worry about it too much, and have some fun.

So there you have it! I’ve basically handed you a lifetime of happiness. I followed this plan exactly, and it led me to finding the Peppermint Hot Chocolate at Starbucks today, the true “one” for me. I realized that I needed something warm to drink before church this morning, that I LOVE Starbucks, and that it would benefit me to go there. I also decided that I couldn’t survive the morning without that rich, chocolate taste from that awesome holiday cup they now offer. I thought about getting a mocha instead, but again, you can’t back down. So guys, the plan works just like I said! Seriously, this formula works on any kind of food purchase I’ve made over the past few weeks. I just can’t believe that I’ve found “the one” for me! Now it’s your turn. Go.

 

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Thoughts, Topics

The Truth About Friendship

It’s been a while since I last wrote so let’s just get right to it.

I’m flawed. I’m flawed in my opinion. Everyone is in their own way. Opinions are what keep the world turning, and that starts with being true to your own voice.  I just wanna put that up front to begin because I believe in honesty. I hate sometimes that when people write, we try and go about writing in an unbiased way, yet personal opinion always bleeds through somewhere. That’s where I’m at right now in this post. I believe that honesty is the best way to express yourself, and by changing your style to fit someones “likes and dislikes” isn’t being true to yourself. So here is my mini-rant from a truthful heart.

I hate the term “friendship.” It’s too broad. A real “friend” has to meet a certain standard. Let’s call a “normal” friend an acquaintance for this demonstration. An acquaintance will talk to you, say hi, and maybe hang out with you once or twice a month, and not really communicate with you outside of “hanging out.” A friend, on the other hand is all about the relationship. We were all made for each other. Relationships are built into our DNA, that’s why we hate being lonely and get mad when people turn us down when we offer to hang out with them. That’s what separates my definition of “friendship” from a simple “acquaintance” in this example. A friend will have long conversations with you, take walks with you, listen to your problems. Friends will criticize or give constructive input when it’s needed, but otherwise will always support you and give you advice that can help in the long run. An acquaintance will get told a secret of yours and blab it to everyone you know. A friend will take that secret to heart, and guard that knowledge with integrity. Friends don’t go around bad mouthing other friends, immature kids do that. Friends understand when situations come up, and are always willing to be there and listen/ give support to each other. Too often today we get calls or texts or snaps from “friends” who just need to vent and say what’s on their mind, but too often we will play it off as a joke, or not give the matter our full attention and then share the conversation with everyone they know. And like I said at the beginning of the post, I’m guilty of this too. We all are. I’m at a point in my life where I’ve realized the full range of effects that a crappy relationship can have on a person. Too often these days I see my friends, yes friends getting hurt by careless, thoughtless “acquaintances” only posing as friends. It does way too much damage to someone when they are lied to, or cheated on, or talked about in an untrue manor. Have I painted an okay picture yet? I hate lecturing, rambling, whatever I seem to be doing right now… I really do, but as a recent college graduate, I though we’d be behind all this nonsense. It’s time we all grew up and learned to treat people the way we want to be treated. This all applies to dating too. Girls play guys, guys play girls; it’s all the same. Everything boils down to honesty. Where does your heart lie? A true friend sticks it out till the end (pardon the corny expression), and shows loyalty and love, not leaving any room for doubts. An acquaintance looks for the ulterior motive, never trying to really connect with a person.

All in all, I just want to say that we need to evaluate how we treat others. It’s hard to see one another struggle when someone puts us down, and it hurts us as the one who’s trying to help the situation when the acquaintance keeps hurting the friend over and over again. All we need is consistency, honesty, and love. Without those things, we are left with pain, anger, bitterness, depression, or rejection. No one likes being on the receiving end of that kind of behavior, but we also need to make sure we aren’t a source or distributor for hate either. This is what true friendship is: listening, loving, caring, trying. Don’t just do something for someone to be liked, for status, or for some ulterior motive. Do it because you mean it, do it to bring them happiness. If you value someone enough to call them a friend, then put effort into it and share life with them. We aren’t here on earth for that long, and God gave us each other for a reason. We aren’t here to sit around and criticize each other behind backs or half-ass relationships. We’re here to build long lasting relationships that succeed; ones that build us up, and keep us going. While we’re at it we should always appreciate one another and never let someone go a day without telling that friend they’re loved. Try this tomorrow, today, whenever you read this: go up to a friend you love/value/appreciate (a real friend, not just an acquaintance) and tell them thanks. Tell them thanks for listening, for being honest, for being understanding, and for loving. We all need to hear those words every now and again. Just make sure to be the same type of friend back to them because they deserve it.

John 15:12-15 “This is my commandment, that you love one another as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this, that someone lay down his life for his friends. You are my friends if you do what I command you. No longer do I call you servants, for the servant does not know what his master is doing; but I have called you friends, for all that I have heard from my Father I have made known to you.”

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Lists, Topics

“Click”

Ok, so who all has a Snapchat©?

Okay, so fun poll aside, Snapchat© (for those of you who do not know) is an iPhone and Android app that is like text-messaging with pictures. The only difference is that you can set a time limit on how long the recipient can view the photo.***

***2016 UPDATE*** Okay wow, what a difference almost three years makes. Now Snapchat© allows users the ability to put filters on your face, whether still or animated. This update has caused several things to happen, good and bad.

Many of our generation’ college or high school users have the app “Snapchat©” and go around our respective campuses and homes snapping away, usually looking like fools in the process. As an observer of people who snap in public (I’m going to be using “snap” as a verb for taking selfies, just go with it), I’ve noticed that there are some unwritten rules to the Snapchat© game. This article will helpfully outline the do’s and don’ts of successful snapchatting, and what to do if you’re caught in a bad snap situation.

The Unwritten Rules of Snapchat©

Do: Make the craziest face you can. It’s important to scare the person that you’re snapping as quickly as possible.

Don’t: Duckfaces are illegal in Snapchat© unless, you are, of course, a duck.

Don’t: Snapchat©  someone if the two of you are in the same room. How lazy are you?!?!

Do: Snap your buddies. You and your friends should (hopefully) enjoy looking at each other for up to 10 seconds

Don’t: Snap your parents. No.

Do: Snap your food. Everyone NEEDS to know what you’re eating at that moment. Oh wait, sorry, I got that mixed up with Instagram©.

Don’t: Be afraid of that little ghost at the top of the loading screen. It’s not that scary.

Do: Live-snap events. Nothing impresses your friends more than live snapping something they aren’t doing. Especially concerts. In fact, make live snapping only exclusive to concerts. Nothing like missing out on great music while you’ve got your head in your phone!

Do: Snap random strangers. This will only make sure you end up on some bad part of the internet getting scrutinized for eternity. How else will you become famous?

Do: Draw creative things on your snap. The more creative, the better

Don’t: Under-utilize the animated snap features or face filters. Look, we all know face swap is straight from hell, but the puppy filter? Come on, how cute is that! Nothing says, “I’m a dog!” better than posting a saved snap of your face with a puppy’s nose and ears on Instagram© for everyone to see. It’s not like humans were meant to look like dogs or have weird contortions of the face (see: unicorn filter, face squeeze filter, any other live face filter for that matter).

Don’t: Snap with your phone’s sound on. Unless you are at home, keep the sound off. Nothing is more embarrassing than hearing the “CLICK” sound in the middle of class because you were bored of the lecture. Just keep it silent.

Do: Snap in public.* There are lots of fun places that you can be to snap your friend like the mall, park, grocery store, and with those places come props and objects you can use to enhance the humor of the snap.

*This is in place for certain people who give out The Look. Listen, some people don’t fully understand snapping, so for those of you that don’t get it, I understand the strange poses and faces people make at their phones all the time, but hey, I do that too. Just don’t glare at us like we’re some strange species obsessed with our cellphones because we aren’t ok….. Just, give us a break. And for the people who get The Look directed towards you, just keep doing your thing. More than likely, The Looker is just jealous he/she doesn’t have friends to snap.

Don’t: Put yourself in dangerous or life threatening situations to get a funny picture. Believe me, it will cross your mind. Don’t do it. That cliff is better without someone falling off.*

*Unless that dangerous place is a car. Everyone knows it’s ok to snap and drive… it’s not like texting or anything…

Do: Have occasional contests for the funniest snap. Or most creative. It’s a good change-up if the only thing you’re doing is texting with a picture of your sad and boring face.

Do: Take severe advantage of special occasions and holidays. Great snapping opportunities.

Do: Drag random people into your snap with you. It’s always gonna end well for you and be fun for the other person too!*

*Especially if that random person is someone famous. BONUS POINTS for Kanye West

Don’t: Utilize snap-video unless extremely necessary. Because extremely necessary is only when you’re twerking/dabbing/crumping/whatever the cook kids are doing duh. No one should miss that.

Well that’s all I can think of. Hope this small list of Snap etiquette helps you out in the real world. Just remember to be smart about it and have fun!

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