Humor, Topics


Today it’s raining.
Today’s rain is very cold.
Rain brings life.
Rain brings change.
Rain brings rest.
Rain brings thought.
Deep thought.
Thoughts that reflect.
Like a mirror.
Rain is like a mirror.
Mirrors are weird.
Have you ever thought that if the reflection in the mirror moved away first, you would disappear?
Disappearing would be neat.
Neat and tidy.
Not taking up space or matter.
Just like my room.
Neat and tidy and clean.
Cleaning is a strange thing.
It’s almost cathartic for some people.
People obsess.
Obsessions lead to addictions.
My Strange Addiction is a strange show.
What if there was a show about someone whose strange addiction was watching My Strange Addiction?
It’d be a show about someone obsessing about watching the show about obsessions.
How upsetting.
Upset people are sad.
I don’t like it when people are sad.
Sadness can be easily fixed by food though.
I’m hungry.
Maybe I should get some Chick-Fil-A.
It’s too far to drive though.
Driving is neat.
But driving today isn’t neat.
There’s lots of traffic because of the weather.
And the weather is wet.
Wet because of the rain.
Rain kinda sucks.
I’m gonna go sit in my bed and watch Netflix now.
Thanks, rain.

Humor, Topics

Furby: Trained Killing Machine

Ever felt like you were being watched? Of course you have. Ever noticed that the thing watching you was a Furby? I have. For those of you that don’t know, Furbys are eight inches of demon troll. They have huge glowing eyes, no arms, and bat-like ears. Strangely though, people like to have these strange creatures as pets. Little do they know that Furbys are trained killers who seek out the weak during the Christmas season. Why are so many people drawn to them? How can people see cuteness in these, these murderous eyes??? I could only come up with one logical answer to this confounding problem: delusion. Have people seen the things? Furbys legitimately look like devil hamster owl trolls.

See what I mean? The only logical explanation for liking a Furby is delusional thinking. People are either crazy, or… no. They’re just crazy. So what can you do to prevent yourself from the madness of a Furby? Thankfully, I’ve provided a guide of what you can do to combat their death and destruction.

How to Combat a Furby
1. Never make eye contact
This step might seem easy, but trust me, if you look at a Furby too long when its eyes are glowing, you are dead meat. The best thing to do is not look directly at them. Ever.

2. If you’re alone in a room with a Furby, run
Seriously, do whatever it takes to get out of that room. You’re better off breaking a leg jumping out a window than getting melted by the Furbys evil glare.

3. Burn them with fire
Self-explanatory step. It’s always helpful to carry a blow-torch

4. Carry a shotgun with you
Also self-explanatory. You never know when you’ll experience a Furby in the wild.

5. Don’t let your friends buy one.
The easiest way a Furby can find you is through your friends. Don’t become a victim

6. Lure them into captivity with a trap
This is a  little tricky. You have to bait the trap with a live crow, as that is the only food worthy for a Furby to spend enough time on besides human flesh. If however, the Furby does not show interest in the crow  you have failed and it’s already too late.

7. Move to Iceland
It’s a safe bet that Furbys can’t survive in cold. Or can they……

8. Always plan eight steps ahead for your next move
Those Furbys are fast. Don’t be caught doddling or you’ll be caught dead.

9. Eat only sushi
Fish are Furbys kryptonite, so it’s important to have your breath smell like fish as much of the time as possible to ward off impending doom. Sushi doesn’t count. The smell get’s too diluted in the rice.

10. Don’t sleep. Ever.
If you must sleep, do it in pairs (with someone you trust) and take turns. An eye must be kept at watch to make sure there aren’t any sneak attacks by the devil trolls.

11. DON’T visit a Furbys’ natural habitat
I know it’s time to shop for presents, but Furbys lurk in stores such as WalMart, Target, and Toys R Us. Keep away from those stores at all costs.

12. Be wary of species
There are 3 different type of Furby to worry about nowadays. There’s the classic, the 2012 model, and the Furby Boom. The classic and 2012 Furbys are a little older, but don’t let age fool you; they’re still dangerous. The Boom however now has the capability to go to the bathroom, shower, and lay eggs. Again, don’t let the cuteness fool you!!! It’s all a ploy to gain your trust and by then, it’s too late for you. Death is imminent.

And that’s it! Hopefully you will last in the upcoming Furbpocalypse of 2013. I’ve done all I can to prepare you. Be safe and survive!

Humor, Topics

Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer: World’s Worst Christmas Special

I can already hear you yelling. It’s not your fault; you grew up singing the song, loving the character, and making little drawings of a reindeer with a shiny red nose all through childhood. But upon closer inspection, the children’s movie of Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer is probably the worst Christmas special out there. “But Scott,” you scream, “It’s a cute story about underdogs and how they got a big break in the end!” True, that does happen, but the entire 55-minute story is a joke when looked at closely. In actuality, the first 48 minutes of the special is about how Rudolph doesn’t fit in. Only in the last 7 minutes does everything go well for the underdogs. But I can break this down even further for you. Let’s go.

Reasons against Rudolph: The Worst Christmas Special

1. Abuse, Abuse, Abuse
Now look, I understand that this is a kids special, but when you think about the central message of the story, does it really make sense? At the beginning of the movie Rudolph is introduced into the world as a very cute reindeer, and immediately is met with harsh words form his father and Santa Clause (who supposedly is the jolliest man on the planet).
Then, in an attempt to ensure Rudolph’s chances of getting on the sleigh team, his own father puts mud over his nose to try and make Rudolph seem normal!
So what we’re looking at here is a classic case of rejection from parents. Rudolph is born with a defect, and to make him fit in, his parents decide to hide it as best they can. But we all know the story; the mud eventually falls off of Rudolph’s nose, he gets made fun of by all the small reindeer, and eventually he decides to leave the North Pole because of all the bullying.
All this to say; why is Santa being so picky about his reindeer? Since when was Santa an expert on good reindeer looks? As I recall, Santa was once friends with a penguin and winter warlock before he got famous, so he shouldn’t be so picky about what his reindeer look like.

Buncha wierdos

Buncha weirdos

And then Donner, Rudolph’s own dad, is shamed by Santa for having a kid with a red nose!!! As a father, Donner is more concerned about his own name and reputation than his sons well being. It shouldn’t matter to him whether or not Rudolph is different, he’s Donner’s son, but reputation is all that matters in the North Pole. The point I’m trying to get at here is that we shouldn’t look down on differences. The whole movie circles around the morals by letting the characters sing away their problems and meeting up with more and more outsiders as the tale progresses. Not until the very end, when a freak snowstorm hits, does Santa finally concede and ask for Rudolph’s help. There’s really no apologizing, no reconciliation, just, “Okay now we need you when we need you, hope that’s alright! You’re still kind of strange with that nose though!” It leaves me unsatisfied how quickly the problem got shoved under the rug once Santa saw convenience in Rudolph’s difference.

2. Yukon Cornelius
Okay so this guy is clearly on drugs. If you watch the show, Yukon is a crazy prospector going around with his pack of sled dogs looking for silver and gold. Several times throughout the special Yukon is shown throwing up his pick-axe and licking it. Why? He says he can taste the silver and gold himself. I think though, that he’s licked that axe a little too much (sound like Miley, anyone?) and it’s gone to his head. Yukon just seems like he’s under the influence of something. You be the judge.

And then, if what you just watched wasn’t enough craziness, Yukon decides that getting rid of the Abominable Snowmonster’s teeth isn’t enough for him; he instead chooses to chase the Snowmonster off of a cliff. CAUSE THAT’S NORMAL.

It’s nice that the writers of this special gave kids not only a reindeer with image problems to cheer for, but also a crazed mountain man that licks a pick-axe for a living.

3. The Ending
I’ve mentioned this before; the ending of this special leaves me very unsatisfied. Why? Let me tell you. As a child, you naturally cheer for Rudolph, the misfit toys, and Hermey the Dentist Elf’s success. What kids don’t realize though, is that they all got their spotlight very quickly. The entire special follows the struggles of the misfit characters, and how they don’t fit in anywhere. Heck, they even struggle to survive the Abominable Snowmonster’s attacks every five minutes. But when they do get their spot in the limelight, it’s only because they’re needed as a last resort. Hermey only got his dentist office because he tagged along with Rudolph and the head elf felt bad. Rudolph only got his chance because a freak snowstorm hit the North Pole. Even then, no one really apologized or made an effort to further show remorse for pushing the misfits away from home in the first place. Very poor storytelling.

So in conclusion, please guard what you show your family this holiday season. Christmas specials are jam packed kid friendly “feel good” stories that lack backbone and true meaning. Rudolph is one of the more confusing, and definitely the worst special that you can watch. So instead of a reindeer, show your kids something wholesome this Christmas, like It’s a Wonderful Lifeor Elf. Those movies show family and the importance of togetherness. Happy Holidays!

Humor, Topics

A Major for Everyone

*This post is in dedication to my good friends Ike, Joey, Charles, Mary, Meekha, Erin, and Trevor who all helped create the major mentioned in the post. It happened on February 18th, 2013, in the Belmont University Cafeteria. And it was awesome. *

~This is a course description for the undergraduate major of a four-year student ~ 

Philosophical Agriculture (Bachelor of Science)

The field of plants is a rapidly growing one, as well as the field of radical thinking. Philosophical Agriculture is a beginners gateway to an array of  topics and learning that can change the world as we know it. This new major is available to any student, regardless of classification. In this new major, students will enjoy learning about everything that involves deep thinking and plants. Philosophical Agriculture offers students the opportunity to get down and dirty with nature. Anything can be done; from sitting in grass all day, to calmly debating with a peer about the rainforest. Students can learn how to speak plant, spend time in a state of the art greenhouse, or even just sit in a tree while learning the ins and outs of the way air is provided to us humans. Some typical classes in the program include: Plant growing 101, “Feeling” Flowers, Speaking Plant, Simply Moss, Finding your Inner Agriculture, Thinking Green, Plants in History, “Does My Plant Hate Me?” A Philosophical Discussion, The Basics of Seeds, Weeds: Friends or Foe, and, Grass Stains: The Real Truth. In addition to being brand new, this major will be helmed by the ever popular Astrophysicist, Neil deGrasse Tyson. Students from every field will love this major, and even if you aren’t that in to plants, Philosophical Agriculture has a wide selection of “Environment Options”  to any student who has an open mind about the Earth and its’ inhabitants. This major requires 122 credits to graduate, and is a four year major for a bachelor of science. Any range of minor is accepted to accompany this major. Philosophical Agriculture is also a great springboard for jobs in the fields of Law, Botany, Biology, Agriculture, Education, and much much more! We hope this has been informative and are excited to get this major started in a big way! Remember to “Think Green!”

Humor, Topics

Thoughts from a five year old

When I was a kid, I wanted to grow up to be a baker. Do you realize how ludicrous this is??? A child, wanting to be a baker! Let’s take a moment and discuss how crazy this is. Today’s world is void of bakeries as far as I can tell. Nowadays you have Starbucks©, Panera Bread©, Puffy Muffin™, etc. to fill your need of a bagel or whatnot to go along  with your morning coffee. Gone are the “Bakeries” that we thought about as kids. You know, real bakeries. The ones where you walk in and the air smells like cookies, the man behind the counter has some sort of accent and there is smooth jazz music playing over the speakers. You walk up to the nearest display and see cakes, pies, bagels, cookies, anything sweet and tasty that you could ever imagine is packed into that little display, and that’s just scratching the surface! Get the picture yet? NO? Ok, here let me show you:

(this is from a Whole Foods Market©, but still, look at those cupcakes!)

So I’m here to do the unexpected, and that is to crush your childhood dreams. That’s right America, welcome to 2013, where everyone gets a desk job, but only if you slave through college and get a business degree first. The problem with modern America is the fact that kids nowadays are getting more and more pushed into a culture of fast paced darwinism (every kid for himself); “whoever gets their education the fastest with the best grades gets the highest paid job title as a ________” and we are left to fill in the blank, as long as it isn’t something too crazy like an astronaut or baker or superhero. That’s right, your childhood dreams are garbage. Sorry to crush them like that but it had to be done. How else are you going to be disappointed enough to be suppressed and mopey when you get to your desk job? That’s why being an adult sucks stinks! We grow up and realize that there is NOTHING we can do to change the fact that we can’t live up to our full potential as a working American unless we’re doing something we utterly hate. HA HA HA.

“But wait Scott,” you say to yourself as you’re reading this, “isn’t this supposed to be an uplifting and funny post?” And I’ll counter with, “YES, you impatient worm, I just haven’t gotten to that point yet.” And you’ll say, “Okay, no need to shout.” And then I’ll apologize for yelling, you’ll forgive me, and we both go back to doing our own thing. Anywayyyy, that’s why I brought up my sick, twisted childhood dream of becoming a baker up in the first place. Because we can accomplish our dreams.

That’s right, we can accomplish our childhood dreams, and that’s what makes children great  (actually, children are scary, but that’s a topic for a different day). They have the innocence and minds big enough to imagine something that only they can dream up! And even if they get to college and that dream of being a baker is long gone because of the rapidly changing world, that’s ok, because there is so much more out there! Only people who don’t care enough let themselves get into a rut of routine and boring jobs, and let’s face it, we all will have worked at least one or two boring jobs before we settle down doing something we love. So don’t listen to people who tell you that money is everything and that college is the key to success. BECAUSE IT ISN’T. Yes, they both make a positive impact on life, but don’t conform to everything you hear. If you don’t take risks you’ll miss out on something great that God could have in store for you. So get out there future bakers, firemen, superheroes, telephone operators, dentists, whatever else children dream of becoming (except for animals, because you can’t become an animal)! Go follow your dreams! And you might just change the world in the process.

Just don’t aim for being a baker. They still don’t exist anymore.

Humor, Topics

Post 1

Writing. It’s what humans do when there is nothing else to do, or if they’re just bored our of their coconuts, in which case they should probably go see a doctor. I’m writing things down as they happen, because it’s how I like to communicate nowadays. Gone are the days of Facebook©(ironic though, because this will probably get linked to FB , just because I’m a selfish goon who wants web hits) and “status updates” that matter to us individuals. Now our culture is fast paced and wanting updates instantaneously. That’s what twitter© is for. A website completely tailored for news and updates that us humans eat up instantly. But I figure, “why can’t we go back to slowing down and reading something interesting every once in a while? What’s wrong with writing books and stories every now and then?” And you might say, “Well Scott, that’s just crazy, books are irrelevant now.” And I’ll say, “Well I’m not writing a book. Just a blog.” And that’s what this is; an experiment for me to regurgitate sentences and words into meaning and structure because I’ve found that writing things down is a way for me to not only relieve stress, but to get my true thoughts down in a (sometimes) comprehensible and humorous way. It’s a way to show you people that I can put something down in a long-ish format of writing, and you can (or can’t. Don’t let me order you around) sit for a while and read. It’s a lost art, reading. I enjoy it so much and even more, I love writing.  SO HUMANS. This is my first post. More will come after this. I’m not promising greatness, but I am promising fun.

Till next time.