Humor, Topics

Furby: Trained Killing Machine

Ever felt like you were being watched? Of course you have. Ever noticed that the thing watching you was a Furby? I have. For those of you that don’t know, Furbys are eight inches of demon troll. They have huge glowing eyes, no arms, and bat-like ears. Strangely though, people like to have these strange creatures as pets. Little do they know that Furbys are trained killers who seek out the weak during the Christmas season. Why are so many people drawn to them? How can people see cuteness in these, these murderous eyes??? I could only come up with one logical answer to this confounding problem: delusion. Have people seen the things? Furbys legitimately look like devil hamster owl trolls.

See what I mean? The only logical explanation for liking a Furby is delusional thinking. People are either crazy, or… no. They’re just crazy. So what can you do to prevent yourself from the madness of a Furby? Thankfully, I’ve provided a guide of what you can do to combat their death and destruction.

How to Combat a Furby
1. Never make eye contact
This step might seem easy, but trust me, if you look at a Furby too long when its eyes are glowing, you are dead meat. The best thing to do is not look directly at them. Ever.

2. If you’re alone in a room with a Furby, run
Seriously, do whatever it takes to get out of that room. You’re better off breaking a leg jumping out a window than getting melted by the Furbys evil glare.

3. Burn them with fire
Self-explanatory step. It’s always helpful to carry a blow-torch

4. Carry a shotgun with you
Also self-explanatory. You never know when you’ll experience a Furby in the wild.

5. Don’t let your friends buy one.
The easiest way a Furby can find you is through your friends. Don’t become a victim

6. Lure them into captivity with a trap
This is a  little tricky. You have to bait the trap with a live crow, as that is the only food worthy for a Furby to spend enough time on besides human flesh. If however, the Furby does not show interest in the crow  you have failed and it’s already too late.

7. Move to Iceland
It’s a safe bet that Furbys can’t survive in cold. Or can they……

8. Always plan eight steps ahead for your next move
Those Furbys are fast. Don’t be caught doddling or you’ll be caught dead.

9. Eat only sushi
Fish are Furbys kryptonite, so it’s important to have your breath smell like fish as much of the time as possible to ward off impending doom. Sushi doesn’t count. The smell get’s too diluted in the rice.

10. Don’t sleep. Ever.
If you must sleep, do it in pairs (with someone you trust) and take turns. An eye must be kept at watch to make sure there aren’t any sneak attacks by the devil trolls.

11. DON’T visit a Furbys’ natural habitat
I know it’s time to shop for presents, but Furbys lurk in stores such as WalMart, Target, and Toys R Us. Keep away from those stores at all costs.

12. Be wary of species
There are 3 different type of Furby to worry about nowadays. There’s the classic, the 2012 model, and the Furby Boom. The classic and 2012 Furbys are a little older, but don’t let age fool you; they’re still dangerous. The Boom however now has the capability to go to the bathroom, shower, and lay eggs. Again, don’t let the cuteness fool you!!! It’s all a ploy to gain your trust and by then, it’s too late for you. Death is imminent.

And that’s it! Hopefully you will last in the upcoming Furbpocalypse of 2013. I’ve done all I can to prepare you. Be safe and survive!


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