Humor, Topics

Furby: Trained Killing Machine

Ever felt like you were being watched? Of course you have. Ever noticed that the thing watching you was a Furby? I have. For those of you that don’t know, Furbys are eight inches of demon troll. They have huge glowing eyes, no arms, and bat-like ears. Strangely though, people like to have these strange creatures as pets. Little do they know that Furbys are trained killers who seek out the weak during the Christmas season. Why are so many people drawn to them? How can people see cuteness in these, these murderous eyes??? I could only come up with one logical answer to this confounding problem: delusion. Have people seen the things? Furbys legitimately look like devil hamster owl trolls.

See what I mean? The only logical explanation for liking a Furby is delusional thinking. People are either crazy, or… no. They’re just crazy. So what can you do to prevent yourself from the madness of a Furby? Thankfully, I’ve provided a guide of what you can do to combat their death and destruction.

How to Combat a Furby
1. Never make eye contact
This step might seem easy, but trust me, if you look at a Furby too long when its eyes are glowing, you are dead meat. The best thing to do is not look directly at them. Ever.

2. If you’re alone in a room with a Furby, run
Seriously, do whatever it takes to get out of that room. You’re better off breaking a leg jumping out a window than getting melted by the Furbys evil glare.

3. Burn them with fire
Self-explanatory step. It’s always helpful to carry a blow-torch

4. Carry a shotgun with you
Also self-explanatory. You never know when you’ll experience a Furby in the wild.

5. Don’t let your friends buy one.
The easiest way a Furby can find you is through your friends. Don’t become a victim

6. Lure them into captivity with a trap
This is a  little tricky. You have to bait the trap with a live crow, as that is the only food worthy for a Furby to spend enough time on besides human flesh. If however, the Furby does not show interest in the crow  you have failed and it’s already too late.

7. Move to Iceland
It’s a safe bet that Furbys can’t survive in cold. Or can they……

8. Always plan eight steps ahead for your next move
Those Furbys are fast. Don’t be caught doddling or you’ll be caught dead.

9. Eat only sushi
Fish are Furbys kryptonite, so it’s important to have your breath smell like fish as much of the time as possible to ward off impending doom. Sushi doesn’t count. The smell get’s too diluted in the rice.

10. Don’t sleep. Ever.
If you must sleep, do it in pairs (with someone you trust) and take turns. An eye must be kept at watch to make sure there aren’t any sneak attacks by the devil trolls.

11. DON’T visit a Furbys’ natural habitat
I know it’s time to shop for presents, but Furbys lurk in stores such as WalMart, Target, and Toys R Us. Keep away from those stores at all costs.

12. Be wary of species
There are 3 different type of Furby to worry about nowadays. There’s the classic, the 2012 model, and the Furby Boom. The classic and 2012 Furbys are a little older, but don’t let age fool you; they’re still dangerous. The Boom however now has the capability to go to the bathroom, shower, and lay eggs. Again, don’t let the cuteness fool you!!! It’s all a ploy to gain your trust and by then, it’s too late for you. Death is imminent.

And that’s it! Hopefully you will last in the upcoming Furbpocalypse of 2013. I’ve done all I can to prepare you. Be safe and survive!

Humor, Topics

Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer: World’s Worst Christmas Special

I can already hear you yelling. It’s not your fault; you grew up singing the song, loving the character, and making little drawings of a reindeer with a shiny red nose all through childhood. But upon closer inspection, the children’s movie of Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer is probably the worst Christmas special out there. “But Scott,” you scream, “It’s a cute story about underdogs and how they got a big break in the end!” True, that does happen, but the entire 55-minute story is a joke when looked at closely. In actuality, the first 48 minutes of the special is about how Rudolph doesn’t fit in. Only in the last 7 minutes does everything go well for the underdogs. But I can break this down even further for you. Let’s go.

Reasons against Rudolph: The Worst Christmas Special

1. Abuse, Abuse, Abuse
Now look, I understand that this is a kids special, but when you think about the central message of the story, does it really make sense? At the beginning of the movie Rudolph is introduced into the world as a very cute reindeer, and immediately is met with harsh words form his father and Santa Clause (who supposedly is the jolliest man on the planet).
Then, in an attempt to ensure Rudolph’s chances of getting on the sleigh team, his own father puts mud over his nose to try and make Rudolph seem normal!
So what we’re looking at here is a classic case of rejection from parents. Rudolph is born with a defect, and to make him fit in, his parents decide to hide it as best they can. But we all know the story; the mud eventually falls off of Rudolph’s nose, he gets made fun of by all the small reindeer, and eventually he decides to leave the North Pole because of all the bullying.
All this to say; why is Santa being so picky about his reindeer? Since when was Santa an expert on good reindeer looks? As I recall, Santa was once friends with a penguin and winter warlock before he got famous, so he shouldn’t be so picky about what his reindeer look like.

Buncha wierdos

Buncha weirdos

And then Donner, Rudolph’s own dad, is shamed by Santa for having a kid with a red nose!!! As a father, Donner is more concerned about his own name and reputation than his sons well being. It shouldn’t matter to him whether or not Rudolph is different, he’s Donner’s son, but reputation is all that matters in the North Pole. The point I’m trying to get at here is that we shouldn’t look down on differences. The whole movie circles around the morals by letting the characters sing away their problems and meeting up with more and more outsiders as the tale progresses. Not until the very end, when a freak snowstorm hits, does Santa finally concede and ask for Rudolph’s help. There’s really no apologizing, no reconciliation, just, “Okay now we need you when we need you, hope that’s alright! You’re still kind of strange with that nose though!” It leaves me unsatisfied how quickly the problem got shoved under the rug once Santa saw convenience in Rudolph’s difference.

2. Yukon Cornelius
Okay so this guy is clearly on drugs. If you watch the show, Yukon is a crazy prospector going around with his pack of sled dogs looking for silver and gold. Several times throughout the special Yukon is shown throwing up his pick-axe and licking it. Why? He says he can taste the silver and gold himself. I think though, that he’s licked that axe a little too much (sound like Miley, anyone?) and it’s gone to his head. Yukon just seems like he’s under the influence of something. You be the judge.

And then, if what you just watched wasn’t enough craziness, Yukon decides that getting rid of the Abominable Snowmonster’s teeth isn’t enough for him; he instead chooses to chase the Snowmonster off of a cliff. CAUSE THAT’S NORMAL.

It’s nice that the writers of this special gave kids not only a reindeer with image problems to cheer for, but also a crazed mountain man that licks a pick-axe for a living.

3. The Ending
I’ve mentioned this before; the ending of this special leaves me very unsatisfied. Why? Let me tell you. As a child, you naturally cheer for Rudolph, the misfit toys, and Hermey the Dentist Elf’s success. What kids don’t realize though, is that they all got their spotlight very quickly. The entire special follows the struggles of the misfit characters, and how they don’t fit in anywhere. Heck, they even struggle to survive the Abominable Snowmonster’s attacks every five minutes. But when they do get their spot in the limelight, it’s only because they’re needed as a last resort. Hermey only got his dentist office because he tagged along with Rudolph and the head elf felt bad. Rudolph only got his chance because a freak snowstorm hit the North Pole. Even then, no one really apologized or made an effort to further show remorse for pushing the misfits away from home in the first place. Very poor storytelling.

So in conclusion, please guard what you show your family this holiday season. Christmas specials are jam packed kid friendly “feel good” stories that lack backbone and true meaning. Rudolph is one of the more confusing, and definitely the worst special that you can watch. So instead of a reindeer, show your kids something wholesome this Christmas, like It’s a Wonderful Lifeor Elf. Those movies show family and the importance of togetherness. Happy Holidays!